The Armies of Mordor fear nothing, except a certain elf
by Feralfanatic
Summary: The third army of Mordor is tasked with an important mission, find and kill Legolas. They do not like this mission however, and voice their complaints to their lord and master, the Witch-king of Angmar, who tries to come up with many plans to kill his foe. This is my first Fanfic. Parody/Humor


"I want Legolas dead" said the Witch-king of Angmar " He has messed up our plans way to often now. We can't let him do any more damage than he has already done. You, the third army of Mordor, is assigned to take him out."

Some whimpers came from some of the orcs from D-company, while all of the third battalion committed suicide then and there, it would be faster and less painful than an arrow in the chest.

"Are you not the Brave Maggots? Did you not drive the tark scum from Ithilien?" He whispered with devastating effect.

"But sir, his file says that he has a deadly team of girls called...umm... Mary sues, sir," said an orc flunky from the first row "they all are protected by... plot armor it seems."

"That is the armor that is like the famed Destiny plate right, Grashnak?"

" Yes sir," replied a lieutenant "except it is much more powerful."

"How so?"

"Well," answered Grashnak "the Destiny plate fails when it is your time to die, but plot armor allows the wearer invincibility for as long as the author wishes, it also influences how much you get laid, how many chicks dig you, and so on. And because he has a group of Mary Sues with the same armor, you should not be suppressed if they aren't wearing any clothes when you encounter them."

"Well, that seems almost too easy. That must be one heavy piece of armor though." said the witch-king with a ghostly smile.

"No sir, it doesn't weigh a thing." replied Grashnak.

"WHAT?!" screeched the witch-king.

"Yes sir, it allows for maximum flexibility"

"anything else plot armor does?"

"It calls up the eagles whenever needed, it also defies gravity."

"Anything else we should know about our enemy?"

"He also has an infinite ammo cheat"

"Is there any weakness at all?"

"Well he does have a thing for half elven girls, tenth walkers, OC's, and Mary Sue's, and Tauriel"

"Who's Tauriel?'

"A travesty sir, invented by one "Peter Jackson" it seems. She only exists in the prequels but every now and then she makes an appearance. They are rare enough, thank Morgoth, she is almost equally powerful as Legolas,"

"What about tenth walkers, are they like zombies or something?"

"No sir, mostly they are mostly basic white girls from the 21st century, who seemingly can pick up a bow or any other weapon and use it like one trained from childhood, with minimal or no training. This is miraculous, because it seems like they lack the upper body strength to even hold a bow, let alone pull the string. Many of them also aspire to be shield maidens, even though it would seem even a buckler would bowl them over."

"Damn it, are they the only kind of tenth walkers?"

"There seem to be some assassins, mercenaries, and sell-swords among them as well."

"Well that sounds more hopeful, lets kidnap one of the assassins' families and use them as levarage."

"Impossible sir," Grashnak shook his ugly head "they are all orphans with mysterious backgrounds; money won't work either, Legolas' charm always wins them over."

"ARG, is there anything at all that we could use?"

"Well we could make the 'love triangle' work for us." Grashnak said thoughfully

"What is that"

"well typical tenth walkers have an emotional dilemma, they like Legolas and somebody else, usualy Aragorn, Boromir, or Haldir. Almost all of them choose Legolas over any of those other fellas. This leaves the other guys emotionally scarred. We could use them with devastating affect since all of them are very powerful and command armies of great power. All of them also have a minor form of plot armor, except Boromir who has a destiny plate and is played by Sean Bean; he will mostly die before he makes any useful impact. All Mary Sues, tenth walkers, even Tauriel suffered from love triangles."

"Good, we will use that to our advantage, anything else we could use?"

"Legolas has a strained relationship with his father, due to the many times Legolas has bested him in love triangles."

"So how does that help us?"

"His father is the king of Mirkwood."

"Oh, I know him, I once lived next door to the fellow. I after he sent his little clique to tear down my wall. Is there any other thing that could help us?

"Well there is the Legend"

"Oh I like the sound of that," hissed the witch-king "what does it say?"

"It says that if Legolas does not have sex every three chapters, he will die from withdrawal."

"That is going to be hard with all those Mary Sues around him."

"Ah, but sir, this is where the tenth walkers come into play. They bring their 21st century views to Middle Earth and wish to impose it on all of Arda, this includes strange views on arranged marriage, birth control, chauvanism, and authority. This may throw Legolas off for a while, maybe enough for three chapters. His plot armour may help him recover from the shock, faster than usual however."

"But wait Grishnak, don't I also have plot armor? Doesn't that mean that I am invincible?"

"Sadly sir, you don't, you have a special Destiny plate, yours came with a warning, 'Penetrable by anything that is not a man"

"Ok, fine, tell Khamul to lead the army, he knows Mirkwood like the back of his hand, after he arrives the army moves out."


End file.
